The Name Game

13 Apr

I’ve noticed that new mothers fall into one of two possible categories: those who have fully named their baby in-utero, and those who wouldn’t dare reveal their child’s name until they are safely in the hospital nursery.

If you’re a mother in category #1, you are probably either extremely protective of the name you’ve chosen (“If you steal my baby name, I WILL cut you bitch”), or you’re naming your child something so overwhelmingly vanilla that you aren’t afraid to announce it. All babies with names like Ella, Maddie or Sarah fall in this group. Pre-named babies are either going to have a name so original that it borders on bizarre, or they have the most common name of their (young) generation. Credit goes to those using family names – it’s an honor and tradition that doesn’t really need to be a secret for too long. Named in the womb kids are more likely to have personalized blankets, nurseries and superiority complexes. Will your baby benefit from an extra 6-7 months with a name? YES! This is the number one selection criteria for students applying to Yale for the class of 2027.

Babies who shall remain nameless until birth are more likely to have good, solid, slightly unique names that are a more accurate reflection of their moments-old personalities. You won’t find a dark haired, blue eyed “Reba” in this group – her mother would know better and use those last minutes to pull a quick name switch. Of course, too many options may lead to Isaac Thomas Patrick Neil Johnson when push comes to shove (literally). These kids may have slight insecurity issues from growing an entire 9 months without a created identity, but then again, they don’t really see or breathe quite yet and might not notice. I bet Barak Obama didn’t have his name hanging above his crib in pretty painted blue letters before he arrived. JUST SAYIN’.

I personally get rather freaked out when forced to speak to someone’s abdomen by name. Of course, I’ll readily admit to being freaked out by babies all together. That said, I do (in anal-retentive style) have a word document on my computer containing the baby boy and girl names I find most endearing and adorable. DUH. Gotta be prepared in case someone swipes my unborn child’s name, which I undoubtedly won’t reveal until the ink is dry on the birth certificate.


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