Relationship Advice

11 Jun

In the name of this post, I’ll share the best advice I’ve adopted and heard in regards to relationships:

1. My own personal standard: “Never date a boy who can’t chop his own firewood.” This immediately eliminates all men too weak to swing an ax, too city-bred to believe there are anything but gas fireplaces, and essentially all men who regularly get manicures. In my book, fresh linen pants, fine jewelry and intense hair products are accessories to take on a Carnival cruise, not the accoutrements of a man.

2. From my mother: “The good things get worse, and the bad things, they just get worse too.” True of most friendships, relationships, parents, and every picture of me from high school. People don’t become more flexible with time – we shockingly become more rigid, more narrow-minded and more set in our ways. If the things you love about another are their jokes, their smarts and their hairline, you must prepare yourself to be sitting, 20 years from now, next to a balding man telling stupid, pointless jokes for the 357th time. When my boyfriend sits behind the wheel of a car, he turns from an ordinarily articulate man, into someone whose vocabulary ranges from FUCK to FUCKING ASSHOLE. Will this trait suddenly, if ever, improve? Hell no. It may be possible that his inability to function with other drivers on the road or in the vicinity will someday impair him such that he is unable to even get into the driver’s seat. This folks, is what I’m praying for.

3. From my boyfriend: “She’s like the participant ribbon of trophy wives.” If your lifelong dream is to gain a title in front of your name (rather than any letters following), forgo any and all job responsibilities for the remainder of your days and look forever young and hot while doing it, you should really talk to my mom. JUST KIDDING MOM. But yes, if this is in fact your life plan – live it up, do it right and bring a shred of honesty to it. The last thing you want is for someone who hears of you to determine that you bring nothing (no money, power, fame, spelling skills) to the relationship and yet be told that you are additionally, not trophy wife material. Lift the boobs, buy the red convertible and get in the gym, because if nothing else, you must redeem yourself through your looks.

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