It’s Spring

22 Apr

Banner, guarding the window

It’s spring now. Officially. Being that I live in a state designated by God as a weather testing playground, this status could potentially change any moment. For now though, SPRING.

Spring of course means that the brown puppy in my life will remain constantly perched at the window, sniffing out homeless people to bark at. I’d rather not comment on how un-PC my dog is, thanks. Occasionally, she gives backwards glances indicating that I will be a terrible mother to my future children if I treat them as cruelly as I do her by forcing her to remain inside while all the action is outside. Momma, you blow.

Spring also means listening to the flipping terrible music choices people are blaring out of their cars as they roll up to the stoplight below. HEY SHAWTY, I couldn’t possibly hear anything besides my own BASS. Yes. Louder music (along with inappropriate undergarments worn as outerwear) makes me sexy to other drivers on the road. Ladies have a psychotic urge to hump when I pull up for their listening pleasure.

All things considered, spring is about shorts. Nothing says April like fleshy, white, dimpled thighs. Most affectionately, I love the clothing manufacturers who produce shorts for the masses – because SHORTS WILL GIVE YOU INSTANT STYLE AND A FRESH SUMMERTIME LOOK. Oh yes, they will. Those two previously gelatinous appendages attached to your hips will morph into Elle Macpherson’s gams when you slide on a pair of size 18 white shorts. It happens here daily. All visions of pants or bermudas go floating out of the window when you pull out those cleverly ripped jean shorts from last season. Paired with some cross-trainers, you can go anywhere my friend.

I personally have found a garish, blue vein visible on my pasty arm and am still having trouble talking myself into short sleeves. Being so untrendy as to listen to Fleetwood Mac on my radio, I’ll just throw on a little tanning lotion and feel self-righteous for the afternoon. INSIDE.

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